...It's so hard to live on my own, so far away from home... when I think so lowly of myself, and I'm the very person I hate the most in this world.

 How could I possibly be there for others and do great things when I can't even be there for myself and I'm disgusted at just the little things I do?

How could I be improving when everyone could see it except me?

Why can't I just accept that I'm "talented and kind, beautiful and sweet" as people say I am, but to my own mind I'm worthless, I can't do anything right, disgustingly ugly, a stupid fucking bitch, and someone no one should ever even associate with. How the fuck do I even have friends?

Why am I so cruel and heartless to myself? I'm the worst person I've ever known.. How could anybody be so mean?

Depression hurts.. Being extremely self conscious doesn't make it easier, and suddenly being ripped away from home and thrown into a huge mess of hard work and stress is completely overwhelming.

Oh how many times I've considered suicide makes me sick to my stomach. The fact that I actually was driven to cut myself multiple times makes me want to scream at myself inside for ever even doing that.

...If that's the case, why the fuck do I feel like doing it again? What good does it do? It doesn't help.



I keep hurting the people I love. The person I love the most. My one and only.
She said she couldn't take seeing me rip myself apart.

We grew up together. We've been together since 6th grade. I used to be proud [and a bit egocentric] of what I did. And god damn it fucking SUCKED. But as I improved.. what the fuck happened to me? She asked me that.. and I really don't know the answer.

I love her so much, so.. so very much. I love living with her, going to college with her, but I can't stay here any longer as long as my state of mind is so terrible.

If I want to do great things, first I have to appreciate the little things I do. I have to appreciate myself. I need to fix myself.
Get rid of my pessimistic attitude, and think positive. I need to help myself before I can do anything.

So... I am going to drop out of college and go back home for a while, get a job, just try to fix the way I think.

I'm going to be apart from her and wonderful friends I've made.. But we can all still talk. I can visit.

I love them all...

I love my girlfriend. But I need this.. for both me and her.



It hurts so much... but once I'm home and feel better about myself, things will turn around. I know it.